Abhi To Tension Suru Hui Hai!!!!

                  Yes yes, I know that you’ve been desperately waiting for my posts for the past two months. Oh wait!! That’s just me. The truth is that a lot of ideas keep coming to this highly unused brain but then, typing burns a lot of calories. Probably more than 10, which is a lot by my standards. But tomorrow also happens to be my exam, and I am in the ‘I am desperate enough to do anything but study’ mode. So I therefore came out of my temporary hibernation and naturally chose the most common and relatable topic of the month, the Bored Exams (I’m pretty sure that’s the correct spelling).

                       This is for the poor class 12^th chaps who have just finished with their papers after being told a couple of years ago during their 10^th standard ‘Beta bas ye do saal important hain..... Inme padh lo fir aage aish hi aish hai’.......

Remember these fancy words? Feeling betrayed aren’t you?

Well then let me make it easier for you and give you an insight into the future. IT IS OVER....The bubble has been burst.

Nothing is going to happen. It is just going to go downhill from here and you’ll start hating your life even more. Motivational quotes like ‘Live your life to the fullest’, ‘It is not the end of world’, ‘You are destined for so much’, ‘Marks do not matter’,  ‘Enjoy the small moments’, or my favourite ‘YOLOatiwbigciim (You Only Live Once and that is while browsing Google Chrome in incognito mode)’ are a farce.

Things will remain as they have always been and life will seem like a big drag. Not to mention, you will live your entire life quite the same way you have been, with the fun quotient decreasing every year.

I have therefore tried to prepare  an almost exhaustive list of the type of students you are and what you’ll do later in life (I really have no work to do AT ALL). This does not include once in a decade exceptions like those mentioned in Shiv Khera and Robin Sharma books. This is just a shallow observation of how a life of the student from a middle-class family unfolds.

1.       The Ruthless Toppers: You are among the ones who scored 99.98412 in class 10 and then cried because of losing that 1 mark in English as the correction was probably biased and the world was conspiring against you and nothing was going your way. You’ll probably end up scoring a devastatingly low 98 this time and you’ll mourn with your whole family and won't eat for a few days. If you’re from the science stream (you probably are), you would either get into a decent enough engineering college (no IITs; you obviously do not know the concepts you mugger) or your father is a doctor or you’ll be an SRCC reject ending up in a Correspondence Course (as DU is aiming for a 110 mark cutoff this time). You’ll end up getting the highest marks in your college as well and then you’ll end up getting a good job after which you’ll either end up getting frustrated with your life or you’ll end up cracking the civil services/being a CEO of a multinational company. The one thing you’ll never do is regret your lifestyle. Sure, you will have your weak moments, you’ll get teased by most people, but since it is in your blood and habit, you won’t stop and in short.... You’ll END UP doing something worthwhile with your life. The End.

2.       The ‘Yaar kuch aata hi nahi’ deceivers: Before you start getting defensive, let me clarify that this is a relative category. For eg. For A person who continuously sees red on his/her Report Card, A Guy/Girl saying this and yet getting the passing marks is the culprit of this group; For the latter, the person getting in 60’s is the one; with the chain finally stopping just below category #1. The truth is, it's not your fault. You have never been really sure of yourselves and that is why you tend to take the safe route. You always tend to be a bit pessimistic about yourselves and after scoring relatively better marks you end up getting all the flak from your peers. You will get good marks and end up in decent colleges where you will make a mark of your own. You do come under the pressure of the society and tend to behave in that way but you will still shine despite being in positions which do not suit you. You might never be satisfied with your life ever, but people close to you will recognise your efforts and always look up to you for guidance. You might not get to do everything you ever wanted, but you’ll learn to compromise and sacrifice and still find solace and happiness in that.

3.       The Kaale Ghode: You silently scored 85-95 in 10^th. You know things but rarely speak in front of the teachers so they do not know about your talents. You will also score the same marks in 12^th but will surprise everyone in entrance exams by getting into IITs or clearing your CA papers with outstanding marks. You’ll also be the dark horses over there and will slowly polish yourselves to get the best high-paying jobs available. You will always wonder what it takes to be at the top, but you won’t complain, as money will buy you most of the things you ever aimed for. In short, your lives will be super busy, you’ll have a lot of money, but you’ll just be getting enough time to spend some of it.

4.       The ‘Bhaunkne and not Kaatne waale’: You have chewed off the mind and souls of almost all the teachers you’ve ever studied under. Teachers tend to run away from you because you just irritate them for no reason, ask unnecessary questions, and repeatedly fail to convert your class heroics into marks. You will continue to do so with your college teachers and your marks pattern will be the same. But this habit of yours will bear fruit one day when you’ll find employers or colleagues of your kind and you will prosper under them. You’ll mature with age and will use your speaking prowess to your advantage.

5.       The ‘Arts’ Waale: You are the equivalent of Mothers in a society. You have the toughest and the most boring subjects with you, and still you’ll be ridiculed by everyone...... throughout your student life. Sentences like...... ‘Are Arts liya? Tch tch tch’ will be the most compassionate thing you’ll ever hear. At one point in life, you’ll get frustrated and do one of the following:-

·         Aim for Civil Services or join an NGO

·         Try becoming teachers

·         Have a mood swing and aim for unrelated things like MBA and then fail at it.

·         Become successful artists in your respective fields and prove everyone wrong (probably won’t happen)

But in the end, after a few years, people will start looking up to you because the names of your degrees will be unpronounceable and sound very learned. The same people who made fun of you will seek advices from you for everyone and your time for showing off your skills will start then.

6.       The BBA (Back Benchers’ Assocation) Members: You made it through class 10 without having any notes, bunking all classes, and getting notes in your diaries and you still scored good marks. You’ll continue to do so and still succeed in 12^th too. Things will get worse for you when you start your college life. The number and the types of distractions will enable you to struggle with studies, no matter what subject, stream or college you choose. Back Papers, low marks and lazy attitude will define your character and you will plummet to new lows. But after an adequate period of nadir, you’ll choose to settle and will finally make your parents and relatives proud.

                                                                                                                

7.       The ‘Padhai Chhod ke kuch bhi karega’ bracket: This category is the most sought after which swells to become an organisation by the time college life finishes. You have wanted to participate in your passions since birth and are only studying because the society asks you to do so. You will end up sacrificing your talents somewhere midway through your college as you’ll be shouldered with responsibilities but will inspire others to join your bandwagon. You’ll have short bursts of showcasing your ‘other’ abilities throughout your lives but you might never be able to pursue them diligently. But you’ll also be content in the end, because you’ll find out, like everyone else above, that you never really had any other option.

                        So, I now realise that 7 categories aren’t enough to accommodate millions of people, but I guess, that broadly, you’ve got the idea about yours. And in the end, I have ended up doing what I hate the most. ‘Giving Gyaan’. But life’s unfair. So, best of luck for your future, I guess. On my part, I’ll try and come up with something more demeaning next time. Right now, I am barely able to write anymore. So Good Night!!!

Right Film, Wrong Characters

Today, I did the ultimate crime for which this world might never forgive me. I finally watched PK....ON MY LAPTOP AND NOT INSIDE A THEATRE. And this is after I have managed to watch Gunday, Tees Maar Khan, Aap Ki Khatir,  and Karzzzzzz in multiplexes.......SORRY.......Wait... I said I’m sorry... I can explain... It’s not what you think....Please let me..... *Kaboom* *Dhishum* *Crucio*...

                __________________________________________________________

Now typing from the hospital bed. What else could have I done? By the time I returned from a vacation, my parents, brother, cousins, friends, FB mutual friends, enemies, teachers, hostel-mates, the rat living under my bed, the ants outside my door... Everyone had already seen the movie and no one was willing to go for a second watch. Perhaps the only option was to invite PK himself or Jaadu because apparently, the movie could not be released in their planets due to Aamir’s distribution network still not being that perfect. But Alas! I didn’t even have his locket. Hence, the offense. Also, I had to compensate for my Dhoom-3 money.

                                  

*Final punch from the nurse...OW*

Anyway, let me get back to my worthless and useless opinion about the movie. Nothing matters and of course shouldn’t matter when something has already grossed ₹ 600cr worldwide and everyone from the actors to the spotboys (Ok! Not the spotboys) are swimming in the cesspool of money.

The movie starts off with a typical Hirani cliché, where a sidelined narrator (Anushka here, Madhavan you know where) describes Aamir Khan’s character and entry. It then moves on to the weirdest and the most hurried chemistry between a lead pair ever, which terminates faster than terminator (Ekdumahi LULL joke tha ee to). It then goes on to prove that two people in the same world can have the same independent original idea at not so distant time intervals (In other news, plagiarists and Pritam heave a sigh of relief; Annu Malik says Are Baba Are Baba from Auzaar was an original composition). The only difference here was, that like most good movies, OMG was sidelined even after releasing earlier because of a lesser popular star cast (read: Not Aamir Khan).

Let us come to the more interesting topic now. The Protests. I am a student of Statistics (my marks might continuously laugh at this statement but I keep convincing myself otherwise). So let us talk numbers and proportions. Percentage of Hindus in India? 80. Percentage of the film focusing on Hindu ceremonies and superstitions? 80. Maybe you’ll get the gist now. They made PK enter a mosque with wine in his hand. Christianity conversion was condemned. Terrorists conveniently bombed a train in the name of religion. The ‘Haye Hassan hum na hue’ Moharram practice was criticised. Other religions were more or less ignored as they generally are (A Parsi is a ‘dheekra wala’ language na?). Ab kya Alien ki jaan loge?

But after writing this, I asked myself, isn’t all this very obvious? Why would anyone in their right mind get offended at such petty things, when they have been shown before as well? Unless......Unless...... (*devilish smile activated*)..... the people involved with the movie benefitted from all this and deliberately..... *hush hush hush*

Now, I’m not implying that all this might have happened or generally happens in situations like these...... But let us assume for the sake of a little political incorrectness that it did happen.... So let us break up the money for every ticket purchased.

The pattern would in fact be pretty much the same as all the other ‘controversial’ movies. One person gets ₹50 for getting his sentiments hurt publicly. The other one gets ₹ 50 for opposing him publicly and urging people to watch it. The audience member pays ₹ 500 for the ticket. Rest of the money is distributed in different pockets. Paresh Rawal silently cries at home seeing only ₹ 20 in his wallet even after starring in a much superior film. Almost everyone laughs off his/her way to the bank.

Coming back to the film now, the fact that everyone noticed but hardly anyone has reported that this is actually Rajkumar Hirani’s worst film to date. It is another matter that it was better than most of the other idiocies round the year. But Mr. Hirani has a standard. That’s just like saying that the Australian cricket team of 1999 was worse than the one in 2003 or 2007, even though all three won the World Cup. It was strictly a one-time watch unlike his previous movies.

As far as the acting department is concerned, Aamir Khan is really good yet again but him surprising in every other movie of his has actually become kind of boring now. Perhaps he should do a regular movie which is not Dhoom. That might surprise the audience. Anushka, as my cousin very aptly described, looked like Bulbasaur from the Pokemon franchise and is rapidly going downhill now. Sushant Singh Rajput had nothing to do and Parikshit Sahni was one frame away from saying ‘Ja beti! Jee le apni zindagi’. The biggest disappointment and casualty of this movie was Saurabh Shukla, who despite being a very good actor, should be compared to Mithunda from OMG who was light years ahead in terms of acting and the pragmatism of the character. The only relief was perhaps finally seeing Boman Irani in a positive role in a Hirani movie. He’d have been relieved too....till he realised that it was a nothing role. After all, you either play a timeless, legendary antagonist or you play a good guy and get so sidelined that people might forget that you were Dr. Asthana, Lucky Singh and Veeru Sahastrabuddhe. But what was really disheartening to see was a certain Sanjay Dutt performing better in his 5 min role than all the others combined. His expressions in the scene where he lifts up his shoe to beat up the locket thief show that he is at his best when he is in Hirani’s expert hands.

Raj Kumar Hirani with his 4 films has created two major characters. A flawed Munnabhai with a heart of gold, and a better than perfect Aamir Khan. People adore the former, and find it difficult to digest the latter. With all respect to Aamir (which had decreased a lot after his seeing him tap dance in Dhoom-3), just imagine what the quality of this movie would have been, had this subject been handled by Munnabhai and Circuit. Oh! Hirani Sir, please start making another Munnabhai as soon as Mr. Dutt is released. Rest assured, you can earn the Rs. 600 crores on your own merit. Maybe the spotboys will get some share of the profits this time.

P.S. - I would've mentioned the unnecessary amount of songs, but since I had the liberty of forwarding them, I'll pass.

An Open Letter to all Open Letter writers

Dear Open Letter Writers,

I had several nominees in mind to lash out at before writing this. Because let’s face it, I am also a publicity hungry, desperate, attention-seeking monger, just like you guys, so obviously the first step to fame (lol!) would be to criticise some particular people or a group or the society in general. Anyway, I was specifically perturbed with a few things on the internet, especially concerning the social media. Ok, I know that  my opinion doesn't count, but I’m a global citizen having a voice of my own, so you do not have the right to judge me (insert random buffoonery about me having a unique identity, or an individual trying to bring small changes to the society, l@#$@ lehsun(official hindi word for blah blah blah*). Also, conveniently forget that I am judging others too).

Moving on, the very obvious contenders were as follows:

1. Selfies: I hate them. Period. And no, I am not one of those uncle type gyaan-givers who think that it is cool to be different than the crowd. Firstly, I’m not against the concept. After all, what’s the harm in clicking one’s own photograph? They’re just another version of the father clicking a family photograph with his reel-wala camera with a 10 second auto-timer so he could come back to be in the photograph just in time. My problem lies with the name. Why on earth do simple things have to be named so cheezily despite so many places facing dairy shortage? It proves that people will lap up anything. Just anything at all. My hatred towards it lies right up there with ‘mah lyf mah rulzzz’, ‘kewl’, ‘OMG’, ‘okayzz’, ‘k’, ‘\m/’, ‘darn it bro, WTF’ and my personal favourite, ‘i wOk iN d rAin sO daT i cN hYd mAh tEarZzzz’.

But the rage and the buzz this word has generated is so overwhelmingly strong that I now feel like an idiot for pointing it out. The fact that so many people are addicted to it makes me realise now that indeed there’s some wiring issue with my cerebrum. In fact, the level of embarrassment was too much to cope up with when a few days ago my mother asked me to send her a selfie so that she could make a family collage for a certain ‘family group’ on Whatsapp and while I was awkwardly trying to take one, my dad hit on my head and said, “Gadhe!!! Front Camera se li jaati hai!! Phone ulta karo. Achcha haan tumhare wale me to hai hi nahi. Mere wale se kar lo”.

/*My reactions included shock and bewilderment, followed by an instant urge to drown in KRK Ji’s jaundice-laden urine*/

2. 10 books I like the most/ 10 movies I've watched/ 10 Fav Football players/ 10 fav Chinese Diwali light companies / 10 fav Honey Singh tracks.........

This spread faster than HIV because people are too free. More free than those who want you to forward ‘Om Namah Shivay’ to 108 of your contacts for good fortune. Life is too long. Why to utilise every minute and do something productive? Why not initiate riots or write unnecessary blogs like these?

Anyhow, given the craze, I will mention the top 3 of the only worthwhile list I came across.

My 10 favourite dialogues from the movie Xpose:

•       Tumhare Shareer me itna khoon nahi hoga jitna Ravi Kumar ek baar me moot deta hai.
•       Ravi Kumar langot ka bohot pakka hai. Wo bistar me neend ke alawa aur kuch nahi leta.
•       Raja ka beta bhale hi nanga paida ho, par rehta wo Rajkumar hi hai.

I know that at this point you want to see me hanged, but the peaks of irritation that this activity had single-handedly imparted on a few souls was unforgivable. But, I let this pass as well.

3. 15 reasons to like your city/ 20 reasons that you are single/ 25 reasons to wash your child’s nappies/ 30 reasons to watch the next season of Big Boss....And it goes onnnnnnnnnn.....

This was fun when it started initially. Good writers gave effective reasons for some genuine events which filled the air with adequate nostalgia. And then it became a norm for just anyone or everyone to post unapologetically repetitive, cumbersome and irritating stuff. The basic problem with these posts is their nature of repetition. They are tirelessly obvious and repeatedly stretched. One can easily get irritated on reading these as it looks as if though the repeat mode is on. The repeatability is downright outrageous and insensitively unrepeatable. JUST LIKE THIS.

4. Online Petitions: Well they’ve at least become endangered, just like Winamp and Parle Poppins. But these were the stupidest of the lot. And it fooled many a people into believing that clicking on a share button on a petition or voting will actually enable regulations to be passed and their voices will be heard.

All of these were competent enough and were giving each other a tough fight. But in the end, there were comfortably edged out by none other than –

5. Open Letters: Which brings me to you guys (since I’m also writing one, it brings me to myself too). The nail in the coffin was a letter title I saw a couple of days back. I kid you not, it goes like this – An Open Letter to the Open Letter to Shehnaz Treasurywala’s Open Letter to eminent personalities.

The hour is not far when some concerned ‘nationalist’ or ‘socially aware citizen’ will write an open letter to the Talibanis ‘condemning’ their moves and ‘explaining’ to them how they have violated humanity. Because it’s perfectly acceptable to expect the terrorists to reply to such humane pleas, such as, ‘We’re so sorry; we did not know that doing such acts in the name of religion is wrong. We will not do it again, Mother Promise. Please don’t tell our parents’.

I’m not being insensitive or anything. But the fact that when concerned journalism becomes a PR strategy or applause expectancy is involved, the severity and the gravity of the issue get diminished.

I just have one request. Kindly do not abuse and misuse the social media just because it has been abused and misused before. Just like your Android touch screen when you play Fruit Ninja. Or Women.

Meanwhile, let me take a selfie with this open letter and file an online petition against some community which gives 20 reasons for brushing my teeth in the morning along with preparing a list of 10 people I’d like to kill within the next 2 hours.

Regards,

A ‘Behadd Khaali’ Person

*Kindly do NOT ask what l@#$@ stands for. Especially Parents, Relatives and other elders. I know that you know. Perhaps this is the right time to get back at you with your favourite dialogue, “Beta! Humne bhi school aur college me padhai ki hai”. Also, I’m too shy to say these things publicly. Awwww... xoxo.

Not Faking News!!!!

DISCLAIMER: All the news items published here are thoroughly researched and are real in nature. Just like those in reputed media such as the TOI and INDIA TV.

1.       KISS OF LOVE CAMPAIGN GETS A TIMELY BOOST

The Kiss of Love campaign got a new boost in Delhi today where a particular majority community volunteered to participate in the movement at JNU – The Single Desperate Guys of Dilli. These totally vella hostellers with nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon even though semester exams are near harbingers of justice fuelled with their young blood reached the venue in a rejuvenated hope of finally getting a chance to score with girls (Category: any girl;  A Veteran DU student (read: single for the past 25 years) was found quoting “seriously bhai, kuch bhi chalega ab to”) so that they could finally brag about an opposite gender story to their friends which was not made up. But the poor chaps were thoroughly disappointed on seeing species of only their kind in abundant numbers. The scene was almost like a live equivalent of Omegle (if you do not know what Omegle is, you still have a lot to achieve in life before you can even think about climbing the Everest of desperation).  The word Irony was further redefined when rumours spread that a girl was molested even at a rally like this. But they were quickly quashed when people realised that it was just another South Delhi couple having a fight resulting in their 16^th breakup.

2.       BILAWAL BHUTTO UNLEASHES NEW SLOGAN: PEOPLE TOO BUSY TO BE PISSED

Pakistan’s favourite controversy child (promoted to #1 when they were made to disown Malala after her Nobel heroics) Bilawal bhaijaan was clearly upset after not having trended on twitter for a full month. Therefore, he unleashed a new statement in front of a huge crowd  in Islamabad which swelled upto 35 (which included 24 party members, 8 loiterers and 3 stray dogs) when he uttered his supposedly new charismatic Walter Whitish lines, “I am not in Danger India, I am the Danger”. But alas, this time, even the Pakistanis refrained from giving him the usual laughter laden mocking applause as they were busy concentrating on other serious issues which plagued the country; like whether or not to ban Haider's DVDs.

3.       EBOLA GETS A NEW MEANING; LITERALLY

The activity of people randomly talking about ebola without knowing what it actually is got a whole new meaning today when two people from a village in 'Uttar Pradesh' were spotted having the following conversation: (Because admit it, stereotyping people is way more fun than doing plain boring tasks such as trying to be realistic, secular and politically correct *yawn*).

UP ka Bhaiya 1: “Abe Sisupal, ebola kaa-hay bey??”

UP ka Bhaiya 2: “Ama ab hum kaa bataen ki e kaahe bola”

UP ka Bhaiya 1: “Ama yaar par e bola ki oo bola ki ebola kachhu beemari laagat hai”

UP ka Bhaiya 2: “Ama kaa ebola ubola kar rae ho salmanva ka nava pikchar aaya hai baalkanni ka do tikat hai humre pass chalte hain dono bhai...”

(If you think that I have lost it by now, you have my sympathies; if not, give a high-five fellow UP ka/ki bhaiya)

4.       WHATSAPP’S BLUE TICKS UPDATE STUNS AND EXCITES MILLIONS OF EXES, STALKERS GET A NEW RAY OF HOPE

In a recent development which delighted the Syndicate of United Alliances of Real Stalkers (commonly known as S.U.A.R.S.), WhatsApp in its 234669^th update has introduced blueing of delivered texts when they have been read by the recipient. This has sent many Exes in a frenzy as now, the reasons for not replying to your past lover/fling have diminished. Though blocking the contact might still be the best option for stalked victims, it is still not convenient for shocked youngsters who till now used “Daddy Mai so raha tha” as an excuse for not replying to messages when they were actually busy at a late night daaru party and hence did not pick up their phones.

5.       SRI LANKA VISITS INDIA FOR AN ODI SERIES. AGAIINNNNN!!!

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (secretly known as the ICC) has recently called Sri-Lanka for another bi-lateral one-day series which sent die hard cricket fans into such boredom that by the time they could get to their television sets, the 3^rd match was already over and India had won the series. 

Our correspondent caught Angelo Matthews talking to Dwayne Bravo:-

Angelo: “Idiot, who asked you to win a match over there and then leave? You lost your payments, and your board is on the verge of bankruptcy. Learn from us. How will you earn now?”

Bravo: “CSK bro. Whistle Podu.”

A disconsolate Matthews was then taken to the trauma centre and was reminded that two more matches were left to which he reportedly started singing  “Gareebon ki suno, wo tumhari sunega” addressing the BCCI authorities, but our correspondent was on a loo-break so could not hear the rest of the lyrics. We apologise for the inconvenience caused. We’ll fire him soon. Thank You.

Mai Modi Badnaam......

I am not a big Mr. Narendra Modi fan. Nor am I a hater. But in India, I’m not allowed to do so. Here, neutrality either means lack of ‘round objects connected to a  necessary reproductive organ’ which half the population literally doesn’t have (an expression which even feminists use, without realising that it is against their basic cry), or subtler terms like diplomacy, running away from the topic and not taking a stand just to ‘save oneself from the debate’. The truth, however remains that I have mostly viewed Modiji as a normal person who has been unnecessarily hyped on either side.

It was one of the reasons I did not care to listen to his twin speeches at the UN General Assembly and at the Madison Square Garden. I have often regarded him as the dramatic and happier version of Nirupa Roy and Ravi Shastri in terms of melodrama and repetitive exaggeration respectively. But the event which caught my eyes was the protests that were held and shown by the ‘alternative’ media, which also blamed the mainstream media for ignoring the ‘Anti-Godhra’ protesters just to keep the PM in a good light. Let me explain the situation in the way I best can.

Movie: Don        Year: 1978          

The character Jasjit (played by Pran) is sitting in jail narrating his tumultuous life- experiences to Kaka (played by probably a real-life Kaka).

Kaka: “Laikinn (sic) Jasjit, Ye hua Kaise?”

Jasjit: “Insaan apni burai chhod sakta hai Kaka, lekin insaan ki badnaami humesha uske saath rehti hai. Maine apni pichhli zindagi se rishta tod liya tha, lekin duniya mujhe maaf na kar saki.”

Now, before you digress by starting to mimic Pranji’s voice by repeatedly shaking your head on the above dialogue, let me come to the point straightaway. Here, in the movie, Jasjit used to be small-time thief. And yet the world couldn’t forgive him for this. The person in consideration here has been accused of genocide. Why would anyone, especially the ones who suffered, even think of anything on the lines of forgiveness? It is a completely different matter that he has been absolved of all the cases lodged against him. The people who further accuse politicians of having the judiciary in their pockets need to look no further than at Jayalalitha. Ironically, it seems that the whole ‘kayanat’ is conspiring to help Modi become the Messiah, which the half of India already views him as.

I, therefore, halfheartedly made it a point to at least listen to his UNGA speech, thinking that maybe it’d make me think better of the man. And this time, I was impressed indeed. Agreed, that his amount of usage of the words ‘sthirta’ and ‘samriddhi’ was equivalent to the amount of abuses given by a typical Indian male aged 16-35 on a 'minutely' basis, but this time, it was different.

No ‘Bhaiyon aur Beheno’ here. It was the official meeting of delegations from different parts of the world on a global platform. The sentences were short, neat and terse. There was no beating around the bush, no sugar-coated accusations. Terrorism was duly criticised; as was the inability of the super powers to deal with it; Suitable messages were sent to Pakistan with appropriate amount of humour*; peace proposals were extended throughout the world; and he spoke and portrayed as if India was a benefactor and not a beneficiary anymore, walking toe to toe with other super powers. He spoke as a global citizen wanting to contribute, not someone begging the UN to help their country/community. When the alleged merciless butcher is extending a baton of peace to the entire world, you know that something is not right. You could even feel the man desperately trying to cleanse his image despite not being entirely at fault. I had a smile on my face throughout.

No matter what the inner realities are, I felt proud, the feeling one gets when someone praises one's family despite it having problems. I could myself feel that my country’s a world leader; the few minutes of feeling like a superpower which it was supposed to be by the end of 2020 were indeed awesome.

To the victims of the Godhra incident, and the people involved directly, who can never forgive this man for the massacre, I say, DON’T. Neither I, nor can anyone else step in your shoes and feel the pain in the same way you do. You have the full right to do so, and perhaps you are the necessary critics required at this and every further stage. To the people who have complained about the media bias, do you seriously think that displaying the photos of the protesters would’ve made even an iota of difference to the blind supporters? To the supporters, I say, ‘CONTINUE’. To the rest, which include people like me as well, I just have one thing to say, "We’ve elected Sleeping Beauties, Mute Buttons, and Corruption Kings as leaders of our nation. I think we can give a chance to the person who’s at least trying hard. The worst that can come out of this is nevertheless not new to us. We've already had 67 years of net practice for that."

Time for a Namaste! Jai Hind! I guess.

*I know it wasn’t intentional but I actually laughed at the clever usage of words when he said ‘UN jaisa itna achcha platform hone ke bawajood hum G badalte rehte hain’ while referring to the history of the G-20 summits.

P.S. A very Happy Birthday to you Bapu. We as a country did not deserve you. But then, neither did the other nations. So I guess it’s ok. Thanks, anyway.

Kashmir Ki Khali

Khalna

/ (ख़लना) /

Verb

Meaning: Getting irritated

                         

             The Following is the timeline of a standard Natural disaster in any part of India over the past so many years.

A major Natural calamity à Floods/Landslides/Earthquakes in the whole area à People  caught in the waters/Land à Livestock dead; increase in the no. of human casualties à Failure of local administration despite Multiple warnings à Army relief sent à Safety of the tourists ensured first à Appeal for philanthropy from the population à Few Voluntary donations à NGOs’ assistance à Emotional Outbursts à Water receding/ Stoppage of the earthquake à People saved à Announcement of cash ‘prizes’ for the families of the deceased à Start of the rehabilitation program for another few months. à Things back to normal.

            Whereas the following is the timeline of the recent Kashmir floods over the past two weeks. (Note that this also involves participation from people of all religions/states/creeds working tirelessly from behind their computer screens to contribute just filth).

A major flood after 60 years à People  caught in the waters à Livestock dead; increase in the no. of human casualties à Failure of local administration despite Multiple warnings à Army relief sent à Glorification of the army by the media à Criticism of the army by the locals à Criticism of the Indian media by Fanatics on one side à Criticism of the Fanatics on one side by Fanatics on the other side à Glorification of Locals by other Locals à Criticism of the other Locals by some other Locals à Hate Messages from one side à Hate messages from the other side à Safety of the tourists ensured first à This spread by some as being a step to deliberately sabotage Kashmir à Rumours flowing even more than the waters of the flood à Blaming India à Blaming Pakistan à Blaming the Abdullahs à Blaming Modi à Blaming Gilani à Innumerable Political Statements à Appeal for philanthropy from the population à  Wave of Unity à Voluntary Donations from all over the world in both cash and kindà NGOs’ assistance à Water receding à Emotional Outbursts à People saved à  Announcement of cash ‘prizes’ for the families of the deceased à Start of the rehabilitation programme for another few months. à Things back to normal.

                 The Qur'an describes the Day of Judgement/Resurrection (Qayamat) as follows: 

'When the Deafening Blast comes, that Day a man will flee from his brother and his mother and his father, and his wife and his children: on that Day every man among them will have concerns enough of his own.' The Holy Qur'an, Chapter 80, Verses 33-37 

                     Pretty much spot on, I guess. This tragedy although was nowhere close, but the reaction of the people involved was. The flood was a severe one. One of the worst in Kashmir’s history. Not severity wise maybe, as we’ve had worse ones during the Tsunami or the Uttarkashi floods etc. But the damage caused by the unpreparedness of the authorities converted it into one of the most damaging disasters of the decade. This could’ve been and was being dealt like every other calamity. But then, the state of Jammu & Kashmir is a superstar. Like Shah Rukh Khan, or maybe Narendra Modi. Love it or Hate it, but you cannot ignore it. Each and every Indian/Pakistani has an opinion regardless of knowing any fact. The ones who continuously suffer are the common people who’ve had enough and are tired of this stardom which the higher authorities enjoy at their expense. Throughout these few days, I think I’ve seen it all. The level to which the people can stoop to spread hatred and negativity instead of lending helping hands is appalling. The journalism throughout this incident has seen so many shades of yellow that even Rakhi Sawant or KRK can be put to shame.

                    But, when all hope was destroyed; from the ashes, rose the phoenix in the form of the good Samaritans. The Kashmiris from all over the world, came together to save their motherland from the wrath of the floods and the fiends. From the clutches of extreme evil, forces of even greater good have emerged and spread calm all around. For every single person who has continuously exploited the hapless locals for monetary gains, there have been at least 2 heroes as well. The army? To a great extent, Yes. The locals? Definitely, as they were the ones who coordinated the relief work in different areas. But the real paragons of virtue were the countless people working behind the scenes to stop the madness from spreading. My classmate, who single-handedly organised the collection drive among 1000s of people even though his family was safe; the people in my hostel who had no contact with their families stuck in the worst affected areas for 5 days, but who were still able to provide neutral and pragmatic inputs devoid of hatred; the bunch of girls in my class who had no relation whatsoever with the incident, but still donated insane amounts in cash and kind; the organisations which volunteered and successfully transported the relief when the govt. failed; and the Indigo Airlines who allowed 1000s of kgs of cargo to be sent to Kashmir for free. – these were the real not-wanting-to-be-labelled heroes who were just concerned about Human Life; and not Human Type.

               The Water level is now under control and rehabilitation might start in two weeks. So, the last two steps in the timeline above will take some time. But believe me, the end result will be the same. The situation over there unfortunately, will neither progress nor regress. Lovers will love, haters will hate; all with the same intensity. The John/Jane Doe will have lost a lot, and will have to start all over again, but no one will care. Perhaps, the only thing we can do here is put all of this behind us, help people move on with their lives, and hope that Kashmir rises again, to be the heaven again, which it is always supposed to be.

P.S. - Meanwhile in another world, the DUSU (Delhi University Student Union) elections were held with pomp and fervour. As usual, a stunning victory was recorded by #Seriously_no_one_cares.

Women, You Can't Win!!!

My creative juices have somewhat stopped flowing after 3 articles. I have started losing interest in this just like I do so after anything. I easily become bored with any worthwhile work which stretches over a period of time – any considerable period of time. Well, you see, I am not a woman; and therefore, I am allowed to do so. I am not expected to perform the same mundane and inhumane tasks everyday without ever complaining or budging an inch. I have always waited for the day when your lot would succumb to your daily/lifely routine, put up your hands, and say 'Enough is Enough!' But Alas! I am disappointed every time.

Yes my ladies, this exactly is our (the men of course) problem. We are jealous of you irrespective and because of everything you're able to do. You may feel it’s the other way round but it is not. Our violence towards you stems from the dissatisfaction and anger we have towards the Creator. The basic human tendency is to desire something one does not have. Imagine all your materialistic cravings ever, all the things or beings you've ever wanted to have or be, rolled into a single ball of aspiration. That is the magnitude of our want. Yes, of course you are an OBJECT, which is worth preserving, for we are not even worth having or possessing. You are the kinder one, the tender one, the prettier one, the mature one, the multi-tasker, the balancer, the life-giver, the life-maker, the home-maker, the socialiser, the therapist, the healer, and the soul mate. We are worthless without you. The word beauty was invented because of you. The source of nature’s abstract beauty is derived from yours. A man may be handsome, cute, debonair, dashing or maybe even pretty. But have you heard of someone being a ‘beautiful’ man?  You’re everything we’ve ever wanted to be.

Then how come we have dominated you for so long? How come you have been the secondary sex for centuries? How come you have had to struggle so hard to get an equal status as us? Shouldn’t it all have been the other way round?

The answer perhaps lies in the single attribute God nonchalantly gave us so that we could protect and preserve his most valuable creation. THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH (Feminists: kindly accept this one silently because you know you cannot refute.  Boys: No, it’s not the lower body-part as well because they give us birth; and kindly do not even try to start the 'getting kicked in the crotch' debate, for it’s NOT the same, getting kicked continuously for an hour might come close though). Yes, the Upper Body Strength. And then He created Darwin, whose theory of ‘Survival of the fittest’, we took to heart. We knew that if we did not react quickly, we’d be conquered in no time. And it was then that we started shifting the balance of power in our favour. Believe me, this was no easy job. Year-by-year, Centuries after centuries of inflicting pain, humiliation, mind-numbing molestation, combined with systematic terror-inducing persuasion and brainwashing, finally enabled us to make you believe that we are the superior sex. The blatant misuse of one tiny fine-tuning of our metabolic system made us reverse the whole-process of mankind (kindly note that it’s never womankind) and transformed you into thinking that you depend on us. God can simply call on the M-Seal company to be His (Ha! He’s a He too!!) Brand ambassador just for their fitting tagline ‘Ek tapakti boond aapki zindagi badal sakti hai’ (A single droplet can change your life).

           

         It has been a careful, wonderful and a well-orchestrated plan though. Firstly, we outnumbered you by continuously killing you at birth itself (the sub-continent method; processes differ from region to region). After de-equalising the ratio, we created some convenient rules of the society. We accused you of many ill-deeds, sins of the past, for eg. calling your menstrual pains the results of the Eve's misdeeds (differs yet again, suit yourselves) and many other theories. Since we were in the majority, we had the liberty to take any fact and twist it into any ridiculous way and then impose it upon you without you ever questioning. Once it was established that you could do us no harm, we started reminding you about your multiple duties towards us. We kept piling more upon you, so much so that you were expected to do more work at once than Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris combined. To our surprise, you still thrived. Tell us to boil water and milk in two different pans at once and we would panic, but you could effortlessly cook multiple dishes, change the diaper of the baby, wash the clothes, talk to the neighbour across, greet the visitors with utmost dignity, uphold the honour of your adopted family while ignoring yours, all at once.

We were stumped on seeing this, and increased the jealousy quotient by a few notches. Something had to be done. After all, it’s not easy accepting inferiority when you have such a big ego. Obviously we had to overlook the fact that you have no such issues since you’re the humbler, gentler one as well. We, therefore, labelled this quality of yours as meek/weak and asked you to surrender. So we now hovered upon you like some colossal figure to protect you against the same specimen of our species, be it as a father, a brother, a husband or a boyfriend trying to act like an Action Hero in front of you. Also, the reservations we have had for you in various sectors like education, politics, transport, workplaces etc. are nothing but a testament to our superiority. We have subsequently taken the lead in every profession we could, and labelled those in which we could not as secondary or worthless. We have now successfully set up a few regulations (mostly wishes) which you are expected to abide by especially during your marital days:

1.      Even though we might look like the uglier versions of Tamraj Kilvish (the antagonist of the popular Doordarshan serial Shaktiman) ourselves, but for our life partners, we want the combination of an Aishwarya Rai and a Kaamwali Baai (Domestic help).

2.      If we don’t get #1 (most of us don’t), we will treat you as an educated maid who either should quit her job, or balance it with the household and of course our families. All of this coupled with occasional sessions of maar-pitai* (commonly known as domestic violence).

3.      YOU WILL NOT EARN MORE THAN US. If you do so, that money is automatically ours. You see, satisfaction of the male ego is of utmost importance.

4.      Of course, we will conveniently forget about the ego part while taking dowry. You may want to argue that it’s the same, but these are our rules, and we Rule*!!!

5.      This goes without saying, but you know who’ll be blamed in case of any abuse or assault initiated by us.

The list is endless, so I hope you do realise that you’ll never be able to reverse the situation. It is an unspoken, unwritten law amongst us (another quality of ours; throughout the world, the masculine brain functions the same way), that no woman shall ever come to know that she was supposed to be the special one. Over the centuries, some of you have frequently tried to oppose us by raising your voices, but you all know how brutally they have been crushed. The levels of successes we have achieved are only due to the unity and the sheer number of our gender which you can never hope to have because we have turned your own kind against you. Your only hope of even a slight chance of reversal is that if you start NOW, unite all the women of the world to be together against us, then given your ability to work faster than us, you will probably take a mere 1500 years. But since you are more virtuous than us as well, you would prefer peace in your families and surroundings. Therefore, the Adams can sit back and be rest assured about their dominance through their many subsequent afterlives as well.

                                                       Ah!!! The bliss!!!

*I know that my writing is getting more unprofessional and juvenile by each passing day, but what the heck, I’m a man!!!

The UPSC Masterstroke

There’s a reason that this blog’s name is so. What other name would you give to a person who suddenly decides to give the country’s most difficult exam just because the authorities increased the no. of attempts to six, knowing fully well that the full day wasted could've easily been utilised by sleeping, eating, watching the next tv series on the list, or even, brace yourselves, by studying something worthwhile? 

I am talking about the UPSC (Union Public Servie Commission)’s Civil Services examination (popularly known as IAS ka paper), which was held all over India on Sunday, 24^th August.

I was one of those people who had actually no idea what the paper was about, and with no remote intentions of being a civil servant ever (kyunki aukat hi nahi hai*), but had turned up just to gain some ‘experience’. I had heard a lot about the CSAT (questions on quantitative aptitude, reasoning, comprehension etc.) fiasco and how the portion of English comprehension had been made optional due to the protests. Also since I have given CAT and other MBA entrances and have scored decent percentiles, I hoped that I could at least do that portion well. Here’s the analysis of the paper:-

PAPER 1:

This was the General Studies Paper-I and had questions from every subject ever taught in school. As I hadn't even opened any book for this, I was expecting to be blown away by the questions and had hoped that I would at least recognise one or two questions. But the paper was the work of a genius. One look at the questions, and you would have several cringe-inducing moments like, “Abe yaar ye to bachpan me padha tha/ Abe yaar ye waala to aana chahiye tha mujhe/ Abe yaar ye to news me suna tha kuch din pehle/ Abe yaar kaash atlas aur world map dekh liya hota ek baar etc.*”. And yet the answers would not strike.

Another reason was that most of them were questions with multiple answers disguised as Single choice questions. Therefore, even if you knew one answer, you’d still struggle to get the whole question right. Crime-Master Gogo from Andaz Apna Apna would’ve happily commented, “Hath ko aaya, aur mu na laga*”. I also realised that UPSC is like a brilliant PR manager; luring the candidates into believing that with adequate amount of preparation, the papers are easily solvable. This then starts the year after year slog and thorough preparation, the result of which for most comes out to be a jar full of nothingness.

PAPER 2:

This was the main reason for me to fill the form this year. I was told that the General Studies Paper – II or the CSAT (Civil Services Aptitude Test) is of a level easier than other MBA entrance examinations. So I was fairly confident of scoring decently in this section. But what followed was an absolute disaster. The overall paper was so easy that it would've made no difference whether an average student prepared or not. In fact, the level of the questions was much lower than the supposedly lower level examinations such as PCS, SSC or the Bank PO examinations. Ok, now before labelling me as an obnoxious snob, who’s trying to show off his mathematical and reasoning skills, sample this word by word question from the paper.

Q 51. Consider that:

1.       A is taller than B

2.       C is taller than A

3.       D is taller than C

4.       E is the tallest of all.

If they are made to sit in the above order of their height, who will occupy the mid position?

(a)    A                     (b) B                      (c) C                       (d) D

The level of difficulty of this reasoning question is equivalent to the following questions from various subjects: -

BIOLOGY:

Where is the Cerebrum located?

(a)    Heart                     (b) Lungs             (c) Kidney            (d) Brain

CHEMISTRY:

The atomic number of Hydrogen is:-

(a)    0                              (b) 1                       (c) 2                       (d) 2.5

MATHEMATICS:

If 5 pencils are sold for Rs. 3 each, and 3 pens are sold for Rs. 5 each, what is the total amount received? (A similar question was asked in the paper as well)

(a)    Rs. 30                    (b) Rs. 50             (c) Rs. 70              (d) Rs. 90

GEOGRAPHY:

What is the capital of USA?

(a)    New York            (b) Washington DC          (c) Jerusalem (unintentional)     (d) Islamabad

HISTORY/CIVICS:

 Who was the first Mughal emperor? / Who was the first president of India?

(Should I even bother with the options?)

COMMERCE:

The basic accounting rule says, _________ what comes in,  _________ what goes out**.

(a)    Debit/Credit       (b) Credit/Debit         (c) Import/Export            (d) Raghu/Rajiv

Now, unless you’re the guy who once said on an All India Radio quiz that the Taj Mahal is situated in Ajmer (true story, but more on that later), you can pretty much answer these questions on your own. Even if you don’t know some of them, you can be confident about these if you prepare for even a month. If still not, you should realise that this examination is not suitable for you, instead of demanding scrapping off the section itself. Some people would argue that not all questions were like this and some Comprehensions were tough as well. But this is where the UPSC plays its masterstroke. It keeps the individual CSAT cutoff to 30-40 (Again, no research of mine, this comes straight from the mouth of those people who gave their 3^rd/4^th attempt, so don’t reprimand me if it's a bit wayward). Each question is of 2.5 marks so even if one can attempt 16 questions of this level correctly (there were at least 30), one can score 40 marks and clear this section. As far as the general studies section is concerned, the cutoff still ranges between 70 and 80. So the Paper II becomes redundant as far as clearing the preliminary round is concerned, as it is just a formality which enables you to get to the overall cutoff; which means that the things remain pretty much the same as they were earlier. That do your General Studies portion well. There's no respite/hindrance. Also, as far as the English comprehension cancellation was concerned, only 6 questions were removed.

                Well played UPSC. Well played indeed.

PS: Done with the Namaste/Jai Hind crap. I used to get irritated during re-reads; I can very well imagine the plight of the readers.

*My international and regional readers, kindly go to your nearest translators. I’m still recovering from the shock of the paper.

**I always used to think that (b) was the correct answer until a friend of mine told me that there’s a difference between a bank’s book, and a customer’s book. I immediately thanked my stars for not taking commerce and was given a further proof of my inability to clear this horrifying paper.